The Relatively New
Late Night
with
Conan O'Brien
Fan Purity Test

There is no content here. There is no need to panic.

Last Updated June 20, 2001

Welcome to LNFPT version 1.4, or thereabouts.

Short Questions

The Show

Rapid-Fire

How many ovens does Martha Stewart have?
How many ovens are inside other ovens?
What do the Weakest Link and the Gaza Strip have in common?
Which of Conan's sarcastic comments about NBC promotions have been themselves turned into NBC promotions?
How long does the NBC Nightly News promo last?
How long does it last with the lyrics?
What does the Nation of Twain have to say about classics?
And the weather?
Which of Shatner's secrets did you already know?
What was the original plan for Star Trek?
Which of Takei's secrets did you already know?
What was Takei's explanation for all the things he's called William Shatner in the past?
Which of Mr. T's secrets did you already know?
What should you never do to a fool you plan to pity?
What happened to the fool Mr. T planned to pity, when he made that mistake?
How does Mr. T giggle?
Are they making that up at all?
What's the name of the sound system devoted to that giggle?
How old is Jarod Miller?
Is Conan going to get himself killed someday by playing with the animals like they're neat toys?

Slow Fire

Has a basketball game or baseball game ever delayed an episode of Late Night past 2 a.m.?
Past 3 a.m.?
Only to result in the Mets losing because they walked in the winning run!
How could they do that?
I mean, really,, how do you walk in the winning run?
After, what, how many hours of play was it?
It still hurts, doesn't it?
How about basketball?
I mean, has basketball ever delayed Late Night so late that you couldn't see it?
Did you drive to another TV market just so you could see it?
Have the late, late night reruns helped you fill holes in your episode collection?
How did you allow holes to develop in your connection, then?
Which was the best skit in the episode of Saturday Night Live that Conan hosted?
You were going to say the boxing one, weren't you?
Because Conan was shirtless in it, right?
Even though going shirtless made him glow in an odd halo of light?
Or did you attribute that to his immiment ascention?
That's getting a little silly, isn't it?
Where's the Crouching Groucho?
What's the hidden punchline?

Historical Interest

In the opening of the very first show, what newspaper was prominently displayed?
Who was the first friend of the show to appear?
What role did Al Roker play in the pre-opening sketch?
Who leg-wrestled whom on the first show?
Who did Andy refuse to leg-wrestle?
Did Andy ever leg-wrestle him?
What were Conan and Andy doing that took them into the meat locker?
Who trapped them?
Who tried to free them?
Who succeeded?
What show-business legend did he credit with giving him the inspiration for his technique?
Who were the first people to come on-camera for The Boat Show?
How many Bad Jokes About New York Monuments were they required to do?
What did the commemorative T-shirts say?
What was Andy's comment about the most remarkable thing they were able to do for The Boat Show?
What beverages were provided to the show-goers?
Conan and Andy interviewed royalty. Of what is he king?
Why was a cannon fired?
What municipal authorities arrived after the cannon's firing?
What was the last image of the Boat Show?
Is there any need to panic?
On Friday, August 18, 1995, what band's compositions were played for the first time?
Which song was it?
What was the second desk bit?
Which guest referred back to that bit?
What new product of genetic engineering was discussed by Father Guido Sarducci?
What shocking story about plastic chairs did Father Sarducci reveal?
Which episode number was this?
Do you know why this show is considered this significant?
How did they get an audience for the fire show?
What firefighting hero visited for the fire show?
How did Max help fight the fire?
What was the joke that gets Conan and Andy fired?
Why were they allowed to steal stuff?
How was the clip from "The Long Hard Goodbye" done?
Did that convince you to see the movie?
What's hapened to Foam Rubber Conan and Andy?
Can you name the members of the Sauer family?
What is the significance of Thackeray's volume from Vanity Fair, in regards to things Conan and Andy normally can't do?
Do you have the Late Night Fifth Anniversary special?
Recorded from two or more sources?
How many special covers did NBC sell for their copy of the video?
Did you see through that as a transparent grab at cash?
Did you get them all anyway?
With what song did Late Night send off the 1900's and prepare for the uncertain times of the year 2000?

From The Dawn of Time

What was the first recurring sketch?
What characteristic do all the newspapers featured in "Actual Items" share in common?
In what sketch did we learn about Andy's dad?
What are the only sketches to have prompted lawsuits (to date)?
How many animators actually produced "Conan Babies?"
Which sketch was adapted for the White House Press Correspondents' dinner?
What characters have appeared with Slim Organbody?
"Name That Tune" offered a corrected version of the song "Tequilla." What was the correct version?
One popular sketch borrows its name from a feature in a magazine published by the National Geographic Society. Which sketch is that?
According to Ken Burns' documentary, what composes Conan's head?
When Andy visited a KISS convention, what did he mention as being a shame about the band?
Which songs were on Conan's "Late Night Cowboy" CD?
What romance novel did Conan write?
What animal happened to be in the area the night a nature documentary director was in charge of directing?
When Conan helped college students by providing answers to some final exams, a paper was provided. Which subject did it cover?
What was provided as visual background so students not taking that class would remain entertained?
How long has it been since the Fortune Cookies were last seen?
Which regular Conan/Andy debate sketch was mentioned as being frequently used by The New York Post, even though the sketch had not appeared in nearly a year?
One person will not be calling the show anymore. Who?
Conan will never again try on an article of this person's clothing. Which person?
Which article of clothing?
What children's toy is not being used anymore?
Why was The Laughing Genie created?
Who is the only character to have actually retired from the show?
You miss Robby too?

Still Pretty Ancient

Is Buick a sponsor for the program?
How many tires does it take to make a real car?
What are the limits to what old women can make you do?
Did you have a strange interlude?
How well did Charolette Rea age?
Why does Conan drink?
Why's Jimmy drink?
Why's Bobby drink?
Why's Joel drink?
Why would Louis Black sue Conan?
What role does Jar-Jar Binks play in the Kosovo Peace Accords?
How does Geraldo Rivera plan to see the year 2000 in?
How does Chong feel about Geraldo thinking the new millennium begins in the year 2000?
How do you feel about it?
Why wear a clip-on tie?
Why wear pants?
When you hurt some people, and do no good, what sort of show is that?
When do you get to live La Vida Loca?
Is it enough to get to say 'Screw Ye'?
When did Douglas Macarthur say "I Shall Return"?
Do you think Conan was joking when he answered that question?
Why doesn't Disney want to release "The Wrong Guy"?
Why can't guests sit forward in the chair?
Is dancing with the Gaseous Weiner a good career move?
Can Dave Foley say "vagina" and making that face?
Can he say "vagina" without making that face?
Would Dave Foley prefer small, real breasts or large, fake ones?
Have you ever uttered Andy's lament?
Was Jimmy's Barbie guitar a real guitar, or a candy guitar?
Did you check?
Is it really a manly guitar?
Do have you a Malibu Gun?
Have you ever made a cheese slice reveal the names of fellow conspirator s?
Does Late Night need your pity?
Could you tour the country as Wedgie Guy?
Do you think Presidents have generally gotten over the Ford's Theater th ing?
Does Conan wear underwear?
Why or why not?
How does Late Night generate electrical power for the show?
Do you still like the show, even knowing that?
Who's Conan always wanted to make out with?
Did he get the chance when nobody was watching the show?
Why not?
What chance did he have instead?
How much does Bill Gates actually sound like Kermit?
Have you made the "Sing, Sing A Song" routine?
Do you remember how it ends?
What happens to Snuffleupagus when he's not working?
How much is Andy paid to critique Conan?
Did Andy have any realistic choice in accepting the job, then?
What bugs Andy?
What else bugs Andy?
What bugs Conan about the things that bug Andy?
Does it make Slobadan Milosevich sad to hear his car was towed?
What makes him happy again?
How much advance notice do you typically get before you need a list of R ussian composers?
When they claim they've got a good show tonight, what percentage of the time are they lying?
What was Austin Strength's catchphrase?
What is the most fun, no lie, that Mike Meyers has ever had?
Sitting right where?

You should know these

When did genetic engineering give everyone a lifespan of over a hundred years, and a wingspan of over nine feet?
When did people stop saying "P.U.", to instead say "W.X."?
When did the government finally change "Orange" to a word that's easier to rhyme?
When did all men shave -- each other?
When was green renamed yellowy blue?
When did the hyphen replace the dash, and the dash replace the hyphen, only to find no one noticed?
When did Iraq become the most powerful nation in the world after taking on new leader Bill Parcells?
When did J.D. Salinger emerge from nearly half a century of seclusion just to tell people that his name is really pronounced "sah-linger"?
When did the public demand the NBA increase to a 52-week schedule, to keep Shaquile O'Neil too busy to make movies?
When did Twentieth Century Fox change its name to "Whoa! New Century!" Fox?
When was the American educational system thrown into chaos by a grown man in Illinois using algebra in real life?
When did Kellogg's make the remarkable blunder of replacing its two scoops of raisin in each box of Raisin Bran with two scoops of Milton Berle?
When was Japan made the 51st state, taking the Japanese completely by surprise?
When did years of research finally convince literary scholars once and for all that William Shakespeare did not author "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret"?
When did Oprah Winfrey quit her daytime talk show to devote her time to her favorite cause, pancakes?
When did Crayola crayons become so rare that coloring outside the lines became punishable by death?
When were there only three chickens left in the world -- three very neurotic chickens?
When did man occasionally write "1999" on his checks?
When did a race of space aliens with low self-esteem invade and force us to make them our slaves?
When did China angrily give Hong Kong back to the British, demanding, "Here, you get the smell out"?
When did vegetarianism fall out of fashion following plants everywhere finally figuring out how to scream?
When did secret documents from Baskin-Robbins reveal that they stopped at 31 flavors because flavor 32 tasted too much like Gary Coleman?
When was Bill Gates impoverished by spending all his 70 billion dollars on research to fight dorkiness?
When was the twentieth anniversasry of the release of the Christopher Cross song "Sailing" celebrated ... only by Christopher Cross?
When did the Beastie Boys finally become Beastie Men, after going through Beastie Puberty?
When was a new star added to the flag, to represent the state of Rock and Roll?
When did 1970 celebrate its 30th birthday, drunk and alone?
When did flags across the nation fly at half-mast to honor the new holiday, "Half-Mast Day"?
When did the stock market crash on the couch of its old college roommate?
When did scientists dissect the body of Kathie Lee Gifford, despite her horriffic screaming?
When did evidence finally come forth to prove that Robert Urich never existed?
When did the phrase "the whole nine yards" finally replace "the whole kit and caboodle," following the linkage of "caboodles" to Osama Bin Laden?
When was jazz replaced by loud slurping noises?
When was the product "2000 Flushes" renamed "A Flush A Year Since Christ Was Born"?
When did an alcoholic become President and decree that red wine is the perfect drink to serve with white wine?
When was a cure for the common cold developed, tragically coinciding with the invention of the snot-powered car?
When did America rejoice as Colin Powell finally accepted the job of the nation's 43rd Batman?
When did scientists revive Einstein's brain, keeping it alive in a jar, where it became a deejay?
When did compasses not just point north, but also start whispering about how fat north is?
When did the discovery of the original Ten Commandments, with a little heart drawn over every letter "i", lead scholars to believe that God is a twelve-year-old girl?
When were the two sheep cloned in 1997 exposed as frauds, as their costumes were unzipped to reveal Milli Vanilli?
When did man finally become able to travel ten times the speed of light, thanks to NASA's development of an otherwise useless gadget that slows light way down?
When did baby seals stop being hunted for their fur, and instead be hunted for revenge?
When was a badly drawn cartoon hamster elected to the Senate indicted on federal racketeering charges and, though cleared, forced to leave office under a cloud of suspicion?
When did the discovery of a giant yarmulke covering most of the North Pole under the snow prompt the planet's being renamed "Earth Goldstein"?
When were legal experts baffled by the Supreme Court's ruling that Keanu Reeves is every bit as talented as Sally Jesse Raphael?
When did the birds and the bees finally get it on, creating the fearsome creature of The Bumblehawk?
When did the food chain suddenly reverse after millions of years of stability, sending zebras to hunt down lions, and sending Pop-Tarts to hunt down man?
When did the lowering of the voting age to three result in an overwhelming landslide for President Theodore Mommy?
When did Switzerland abandon its policy of neutrality thanks to its invention of nuclear cheese?
When did McDonald's stands begin popping up at a rate of ten per day... all by themselves?
When was wearing a T-shirt with a drawing of a tuxedo on it fresh and funny all over again?
When was a worldwide rebellion of armed apes on horseback crushed by an army of horses on apeback?
When did North and South Dakota merge into one state, "Oh, Man, That's A Big Dakota"?
When did the moon finally get sweet revenge by landing on man?

The Stars

Conan

Do you know his middle name?
His birthday?
Where he went to college?
Where he stayed while on campus?
Where his hair stayed?
Were you ever able to find "Not Necessarily The News" on HBO?
Do you now remember bits that were written by Conan?
Can you recognize, on old reruns, bits on "Saturday Night Live" that appear to have been written in part by Conan?
Do you know of more than one sketch to have Conan in it?
Do you have evidence that, in your opinion, the voice of any character on "The Simpsons" may have been done by Conan?
Are you the only one ever convinced by it?
Who was Conan talking about when he spoke of "Ernie"?
When was Conan picked to host Late Night?
When did Conan make his first talk show appearance?
When was Conan first on Late Night?
Just out of curiosity...did you try to donate to help out the Jerry Lewis te lethon when Conan was on it?
Did you just memorize the phone number for it?
What is Conan's favorite color?
How well does Conan tan?
Where did Conan go surfing?
What are Conan's superpowers?
What's Conan's ideal business?
What's truly made Conan a broadcast legend?
Did it make Talk Soup Clip of the Week?
When Conan's sick, doesn't he sound much more like Captain Kirk?
Who did Conan visit when the show went to Los Angeles?
Who seemed thrilled to see him?
Were any women delighted to see him?
How many gave him a courteous brush-off?
Is the Rebecca Romaijn-Stamos thing getting old?
Or does it just seem new every time he talks about it?
Should Conan obsess on a wider variety of supermodels?
Or just Abe Vigoda?
Does Conan mind NBC promotions not promoting the show more?
How many episodes has NBC promotions screwed up by giving away a great punchline or a surprise guest?
Has Co go B, or did Co ge gue for tonight?
What distresses Conan about people going "Woo!"?
Why did Conan bring in Abe Vigoda?
How long does it take Conan to determine whether a character is a keeper?
What bits has Conan gotten tired of, but knows are too popular to get rid of?

Andy

Do you know his middle name?
His birthday?
Where he went to college?
What classes Andy took?
Which board plan Andy had?
Do you know which of "The Real Life Brady Bunch" Andy played?
Did you ever see them in person?
Did you see them in person more than once?
Are you upset they did not use Andy in the recent Brady Bunch movie?
Regarding "The Positively True Adventures Of The Alleged Texas Cheerleader Mom," has Andy's presence made you seek out the movie to watch it?
Did you think he made the movie work?
Was Andy the reason you watched "Cabin Boy"?
Would you demand that he have most of the screen time in a sequel?
Is Andy the most huggable person in the world?
Have you done research to prove this?
Has it resulted in a restraining order of any kind?
How did Andy come to be Conan's sidekick?
What food was critical to this development?
What was the first thing Andy said on-air?
What relation does Paul Richter have to Andy?
Which blimp did Andy ride in?
What animal did he bring along?
What test results did he achieve with the animal?
Why did Andy open the door?
Why didn't he open it further?
Why did Andy leave?
Have you accepted it yet?
Do you still figure he'll come back when he gets hungry?
Do you think he still sneaks into the Late Night offices to hang out?
Have the NBC guards figured out he doesn't work there anymore?
Did you catch "Dr. T And The Women"?
Did you forget that Andy was in "Dr. T" and mistakenly assume it was a film about Mr. T?
You did? Ha ha!
Have you caught a bootlet copy of that dog cartoon Andy was voicing for?
Have you got advance copies of his upcoming sitcoms?
Have you bought a copy of his novel?
Or am I just making that up?
Was Andy happy in high school?
Was he popular?
Why'd he stop doing the college lecture circuit?

Max

How did Max join the E Street Band?
How did Max got the nickname, "Mighty" Max Weinberg?
Do you have a copy of "The Big Beat"?
Have you gotten it autographed?
Have you spoken to him in person?
Away from the show?
Has Max ever missed a show entirely?
How did he avoid missing the show one night when he was performing with Bruce Springsteen in Los Angeles during the taping?
There was a "Special Report" that was presented before the start of one episode. According to it, what talented performer plays Max?
What is one of the hardest aspects of playing Max Weinberg?
How did Max came to be the band director?
Where did Conan and Max first meet?
Where did they first meet, according to aired sketches?
When did Max first get the drums that say "The Max Weinberg 7" on them?
What did his drums say before that?
Have you tracked down what happened to those old drums?
Has Jon Lovitz been sharing poetry with Max Weinberg?
Did you join Max in dressing up for Halloween?
What did Max come back from his back surgery with?
What new powers did he have after that surgery?
How many times has Max on Max been run?
How many more times will they be able to get away with it, do you think?
Who did Max and Rob Lowe meet before things really got crazy?
Why is Max so very happy all the time?
What's the third most popular name for children born in New Jersey?
How many of Max's public service announcements have ended in tragic deaths?
How many of Max's public service announcements have ended in preventable tragedy?
How many of Max's public service announcements have ended in a fantasy you'd like to enjoy?
Do you snicker at folks who think "Max On Max" is new?
Has Max ever worn an outfit made entirely of candy?
Or have they just looked that way?
Who's challenged Max for leadership of the 7?
Did he win?
What happened to the challenger?
Have you learned that lesson?

The Seven

Did you know of any of the 7 before Late Night debuted?
Did you regularly watch The Uncle Floyd Show?
Do you have The Uncle Floyd Album?
Have you been to the Jersey Shore to see "La Bamba and The Hubcaps?"
Do you know La Bamba's real name?
Has Conan ever sat in with the 7?
Has anyone dead ever sat in with the 7?
Did you also have trouble figuring out if that was a conceptual joke or something serious?
Do you have a set of secret informants to relay information to you whenever Max or any of the 7 happens to play in any public forum?
Who plays guitar?
Trumpet?
Trombone?
Saxophone?
Keyboards?
Bass?
Frog being beaten with a rubber mallet?
Did the frog make all the difference in the band's performance?
Were you excited by Bob Dole's playing along with the band?
What did the Pop-Up Video segments reveal about the band's habits and superstitions?
Were you not surprised by any of them?
Did you ever go to a show and hear Mark "Love Man" Pender holding a really, really, really long note on the trumpet?
Is he still holding it?
Even though you were last at the show in 1994?
He is amazing, isn't he?
Are you able to tell, just by how the opening drumroll sounds, when someone is sitting in with the 7?
Are you able to tell that just by watching the closed captions?
Who fills in as bandleader when Max is off leading an exciting life with Bruce Springsteen?
Who drums in as drummer when Max is off leading an exciting life with Bruce Springsteen?
What happened to the drummer when Max was ready to return?
How many people have sat in on the band?
How many deceased people have sat in on the band?
Can you name them?
Have you got the Max Weinberg 7 CD?
Have you got the enhanced CD version?
Even though it was never released?

The Supporting Cast

Tomorry

What is Tomorry's last name?
What's wrong with Tomorry's feathers?
Why can't Tomorry have flashback sequences?
Who was Tomorry's first significant other?
What happened between them?
How many times Tomorry has spoken actual words?
What difficulty does Tomorry has with swings?
Tomorry makes an annual migration. Where?
Why?
What kind of accomodations does she prefer when her migration is over?
What's her father like?
Why did they slice out the documentary on Tomorry in the rerun of the episode it first appeared in?
Did you notice they didn't edit out the reference to it from later in the show?
What was the first attempted Tomorry replacement? (Not the character used during the contract dispute with Tomorry; simply a character brought in to tell us who would be on the next night's show.)
What prompted Tomorry's strike?
How long did it last?
How was it resolved?
How many times has Tomorry fallen in love?
Has it ever been with her own species?
Do they *have* to have Tomorry's head ripped off every time she's out now, even though it so hurts us?

Pimp-Bot

Why was Pimp-Bot 5000 upset at Conan?
What business did Pimp-Bot have on the West Coast?
Is there a patron saint of pornography?
What's with that button?
Is his T-shirt for real or not?
What'd he have to do with the Mars Pathfinder?
What are his technical specs?
And how do the ladies feel about that?
Why did he try to make Conan do his taxes?
What was he trying to use for deductions?
Were they justified?
Did you consider them justified?
What is Pimp-Bot 5000 able to use as a threat against Conan?
Conan tried enlisting Pimp-Bot 10000 as protection. What were his abilities?
What were his specs?
And how did that turn out?
Is there a children's special in that, somewhere?
Pimp-Bot once turned his fiendish "Pimp Ray" on Conan's entire audience. How many people did it work on?
What percentage of the total audience was that?
Did it affect you?

President Clinton

When did he first appear?
What was he talking about then?
Was he the first recurring character?
Who was, then?
When was the first "Nee-Hah!"?
Did it scare you?
Did it scare someone else?
Did they become fans of the show because of it?
Do you "Nee-Hah!" in public?
Do you do it well?
Which was his softest "Nee-Hah"?
Which was his loudest?
And which was his longest?
What prompted that?
How can he get burritos?
When did he first start demanding water?
How many times has he gotten it?
How many times has he demanded a drink other than water?
And how many times has he gotten that?
How many other presidents have been interviewed by the same satellite technology?

Carl "Oldy" Olsen

Where did Carl first appear?
What position was he playing?
How were his statistics?
How many times did he die?
On what hockey team did he play?
Which position did he play for it?
What was his first non-sports role?
When did he begin being subtitled?
Do his subtitles make his appearances more emotionally rewarding to you?
How many people did he brutalize in his brief career as Frankenstein's Monster?
And as the Erotic Vampire?
And as the Erotic Pilgrim?
In what wars has he served?
In how many of the Punic wars has he served?
What F.B.I. agent portrayed him during the undercover operation?
Where was he working after the operation succeeded?
Have you seen William Preston in other roles?
In roles other than in Waterworld?
Do you think playing the weird, crazy old guy worked for him in Waterworld?
Would he have been a better choice for Kevin Costner's role in that film?

Joel!

So what was bothering Joel?
What else?
And what else?
What's the other thing?
And the other thing bothering him?
And, again, what else?
What else?
And what?
Anything else bothering him?
Anything on top of that?
And how about the Yankees?
How did they do, anyway?
Do you figure Joel's anger is related to the crummy advertisement opening?
Why does Joel figure Conan's so interested in him?
How far was Joel off from Conan's actual salary?
Did you know about Joel's movie?
Beforehand?
Did you tell anyone?
Why not?
Do you catch it each and every time it's rerun on The History Channel?

George W. Bush

What does Conan call him?
When did he become President of South Carolina?
When did he become president of New Hampshire?
When do the generals and the electricians vote for him?
Is he president of the red states or the blue?
According to the rules of "Blockbuster," shouldn't he have lost, because his states don't connect from the east to the west coasts, and he was playing from the family team?
Has he ever been distracted by a shiny thing?
What's his nickname for Conan?
What nickname did he give Max?
How is Dick Cheney doing, by the way?

Others

What was the Robot on the Toilet Seat afraid of?
What problem did this present for a special Late Night event?
How was the problem overcome?
Has the Robot been seen since?
Outside Late Night?
How many seven-foot-tall people are good Groucho Marx impersonators?
Do you want to see seven-foot Groucho again?
Would you rather see an eight-foot Bob Newhart?
Or a nine-foot Robert Benchley?
What's with the guy who comes up with overly elaborate chants for sports teams?
Who is the Reverend Otis K. Dribbles?
What is he good at?
What distinguishes him from other reverends?
And from other basketball players?
In how many guises has the shirtless moron appeared?
How many appearances as Preparation H Raymond made?
Why is the company that makes Preparation H not pleased with him?
How's the guy who's got bulletproof legs doing?
How's his heart?
What about the guy who keeps shooting him?

The Fandom

Enthusiasm

Do you have on tape more than 10 episodes?
More than 50 episodes?
More than 1000 episodes?
Do you see nothing obsessive about this behavior?
Do you know the address to write for tickets?
Do you know the phone number to call for tickets?
Is this number on your speed-dialer?
If Conan were to meet you, would the restraining order he ultimately would obtain require you to keep 25 feet away?
200 feet away?
1000 feet away?
Outside the state?
Outside the temperate climate zone?
Have you written a piece of fan fiction centered around Late Night with Conan O'Brien?
Was it novel length?
Was it your Star Trek novel?
Did it get published?
Have you attended a taping in person?
Five tapings?
100 tapings?
500 tapings?
Every taping?
Every taping, plus all the practice shows, plus the taping of the talk shows on which Conan has appeared, plus all the Saturday Night Live episodes in which Conan had an appearance, and also the October 28, 1986 taping of Late Night back when that Top Ten List guy was hosting the show, during which guest Sandra Bernhart made a disparaging comment about Dweezil Zappa?
Did you send Sandra Bernhart a nasty letter about that?
Have you spent more than two hours working on your impersonation of Joel Godard?
Of Carl "Oldy" Olsen?
Of Tomorry the Ostrich?
Are you any good at it?
Do you do the Conan Growl?
In casual conversation?
Do friends understand?
Do you know who is the Mayor of the town of Awwww, North Dakota?
Can you tell by instinct when Tom Snyder is about to make a joke about Conan on his show?
Do you stay up after the Friday shows, hoping to catch when 'Conan Babies' comes on?
Were you watching the night Al Bell's name was used on a Late Night sketch?
Do you have Ken Burns' documentary "Conan" on tape?
How about Time Travel Week?
And "Journey Past Midnight"?
According to one sketch, Andy has a very highly placed father. What position does his father hold?
Do you have "If They Mated," the book?
Can you tell where they changed the dialogue from the use of the "If They Mateds" from the show to the book?
Did you buy the "Nick At Nite TV Land Guide" just for the Conan blurb on the back cover?
Do you have the TV Guide episode with his odd picture in it?
Have you got "In The Year 2000," the book?
Have you got multiple copies of it?
Have you placed at least one copy in a vacuum-sealed bag and put it in a time capsule so that come the year 8,000, people will be able to read it?
Or are you just saving it for your own old age?
Is selling it on eBay someday the cornerstone of your retirement plan?
Have you already lined up a potential buyer?
Have you ever faked publisher's credentials and sent a press release promising an exciting new book from "Late Night," in the hopes that public demand for it will force the Late Night staff to actually write said book?
Did it work?

In Your Personal Life

Have you found a way to interpret Late Night as an extended metaphoric representation of a classic piece of literature?
Of a classic Saturday morning cartoon?
Of Star Trek?
Have you attempted to gain a copy of Conan's thesis?
Did you use it to interpret a Billy Tyler sketch?
Or a Clutch Cargo character sketch?
Have you discovered a secret meaning in an obviously meaningless sketch?
Did you share it with other people?
Did they not believe you?
Did you not believe you?
Are you still chuckling about it, years after the fact?
Have you tried to use Late Night with Conan O'Brien to meet a Literature requirement?
Did you succeed?
Did you receive honors credit for the work?
Did Conan eventually learn of your interpretation?
Did he mock it?
Do you believe the "Art Appreciation" sketches are little jabs back at you for finding such interpretations?
Have you been declared a professor of read-too-much-ology?
Are you Al Bell?
Do you portray Al in improvisational sketch comedy?
Is your current streak of Late Night episodes caught more than 100 episodes long?
More than 200?
More than 500?
Including reruns?
More than 1000?
Would it take a family emergency to make you miss an episode?
A natural disaster wiping out electricity?
A cataclysmic disaster wiping out NBC in its entirety?
Would nothing make you miss an episode?
Have the extra-late episode reruns been a source of comfort to you while you dream?
Or do you stay awake through those too?
Have you got all the episodes that aired when the show was running on CNBC?
Do you get tapes sent in from around the world so you can compare episodes of the NBC feed with those of overseas versions of CNBC?
Have you found any significant changes?
Did they affect your vision of the show?

Usenet and IRC Follies

Do you regularly use the word "afcob" in your everyday speech?
Does everyone you know understand you anyway?
Do they at least humor you by pretending to understand?
Have you mentally planned out posts you plan to make over the next few days?
Over the next week?
Over the next month?
All the way to the year 2000?
Beyond that?
Have you ever given up on Usenet lag and just emailed everybody in the group you could find?
Have you ever been frustrated that that seems to work better?
Have you spent more than an hour alone on a Conan IRC channel?
Have you ever had a lively conversation by yourself on a Conan IRC channel?
With other people watching?
Were they scared?
Were you scared?
Have you attended a Virtual Cone-Con?
Did you stay online until the next one?
Are you still online?
Do you leave Conan IRC channels only to watch the show?
Have you found Internet access to be far better than real love and affection probably would be?

World Wide Web Weirdness

Do you have links to Conan web pages on your homepage?
Have you published a Conan web page?
More than one?
More than five?
More than ten?
Was it the reason you learned HTML?
Have you ever proposed a revision to the HTML standard, to facilitate making Conan web pages?
Was it given a formal vote by the W3C?
Was it accepted?
Do you spend hours each day finding new Conan sites?
Do you try selectively cutting paragraphs out of other web pages in order to make them appear to be about Conan?
Do you try selectively cutting out letters from other web pages in order to make them appear to be about Conan?
Do you go about pointing out innocent errors in other people's web sites?
Do you try correcting the ones here?
Have you taken the Fan Purity Test?
Have you completed it?
What questions do not have answers?
What questions do not have unambiguous answers?
Have you prepared a list of all possible answers, even for the questions that do not have them?
Did you then discard the list because you couldn't believe you wrote it?
Did you get into the list of Conan sites mentioned on the official web page?
Were you one of the charter members?
Have you got a copy of the official NBC site archived?
Have you got archives of every version of the official site?
With the banner ads too?

Star Trek

What characters has Conan written love letters to?
Which ones mention it creeped them out?
Which ones were glad for the attention?
Do you believe Conan is Captain Kirk figuratively?
Literally?
Have you written a Star Trek (or Star Trek newbie series) novel?
Is a character like Conan in it?
Is Conan actually in it?
Is he the much-worshipped ruler of a planet?
Of an empire?
Of a galaxy?
Is Andy in it?
Do you get way too excited when Conan makes an allusion to Star Trek?
Do you not believe it is possible to get that excited?
Would you accept, on Star Trek, Conan appearing as a Vulcan?
A Klingon? (The REAL Klingons, from the original series, not these mushy New Age doofuses they have now, thank you.)
A Horta?
Captain Kirk?
How many people from Star Trek have been on the show?
How many have done cameos as "friends of the show?"

Cone-Con

How many have you attended?
How many have you travelled more than 200 miles for?
How many have you travelled more than 2000 miles for?
By car?
By bicycle?
Have you used the experience to go on the NBC Studio Tour?
Did the tour guides yell at you?
Did the tour guides start yelling at people who look like you?
Did you get on camera at it?
Did you get on camera clearly enough that anyone besides your parents could recognize you?
Were you able to see any top-secret production stuff before the show was made?
How about afterwards?
Did you get any cue cards?
Did you find any mistakes on them?
Have you had a conversation with Rob Smigel?
Dino Statamopoulous?
Don Novello?
Frank Smiley?
Michael, the NBC Page?
The guy who says "goodnight" to everyone?
Are you preparing the next Cone-Con?
Do you just form your own Cone-Cons in your mind?
Have you rented hotel space for future possible Cone-Cons?
Are you using a planned Cone-Con as substitute for your prom?
Are you planning a Cone-Con to be your prom?

Essay Questions

Andy, or Max?
Tomorry, or Willie the Upside-Down guy?
Kirk, or Picard?
Joel, or Tomorry?
Michigan, or Dr. Kevorkian?
Country Coo-coo Clock Codpice Zulu Warriors or Embryonic Rockabilly Polka Dotted Fighter Pilots?
Oldy, or the rest of the world?
Fidel Castro, or hamsters?
Good, or evil?
Ben and Jerry, or Kid and Play?

Word Problems

Construct generalizations of the Reciprocity Theorem of Number Theory.
Extend the results obtained for quadratic fields to abritrary integer algebraic fields.
Show the impossibility of solving the general seventh degree equation by functions of two variables.
Show the finiteness of systems of relatively integral functions.
Find a representation of definite form by squares.
Prove there always exists a Fuchsian system with given singularities and a given mondromy group.
Extend the methods of the calculus of variations.
Can physics be axiomized?
Prove that the nontrivial roots of the Riemann Zeta function on the set of complex numbers lie on the critical line of numbers with real component exactly equal to 1/2.
Justify Schubert's application of the Conservation of Number principle.

Answers

The answers lie within our hearts. We needed only to work together.

If you think you have a correct answer, score it as such.

For those of you who don't accept that -- and I get an email every few weeks complaining about this -- consider this:

If you give a correct answer, you would score it as correct.
If you give an incorrect answer, and know it is incorrect, then you know you could seek out and find the correct answer, and so correct it. So we'll accept it on faith that you will correct the answer later on, and give you the credit for it now.
If you give an incorrect answer, and do not know it is incorrect, you would assume it was unless you someday found the correct answer. So when that day comes, you could correct it. Again, we'll take it on faith that you will later on find and correct the answer, and give you credit for that work now.

Comprehension

To determine your raw score, begin with a score of zero. Add one point to your score as appropriate, going through all the questions until you are completed. After determining your raw score, divide it by a normalizing factor, and round off to the appropriate number of decimal places. Evaluate your score on this table:

Pyramids
Requires masonry. Cost: 200 shields. Counts as granary in every city.
Adam Smith's Trading Co.
Requires economics. Cost: 400 shields. Pays the maintenance for all city improvements with a cost of one shield per turn. Other costs not affected.
Leonardo's Workshop
Requires invention. Cost: 400 shields. Whenever a unit becomes obsolete, it is replaced by a modern equivalent. Expires when the automobile is invented.
Apollo Program
Requires spaceflight. Cost: 600 Shields. Allows the construction of spaceships (by all civilizations); and reveals the entire map.
Hoover Dam
Requires electronics. Cost: 600 Shields. Acts as a hydropower plant in all friendly cities.

This page could not have been prepared without the alt.fan.conan-obrien FAQ, the FTP site, or any of a large number of helpful others.

Believe it or not, this page, or earlier incarnations of it, has gotten awards for combining vast wastes of time with "the braggadocio confessions of a mad stalker with a sense of humor." The Point (who said the above) rated it as one of the top five percent of the web, several years back when that didn't mean "it's one of the ten million best pages." The McKinley Review gave the site three stars. A couple of other reviewers have given various awards, the only one for which I'm going to give a graphic is because their notice that this was one of the Conan Top Ten sites was sent to me by a fellow Mac user.

This page has been Checked for valid HTML. It has also been checked for accessibility.

The Relatively New Late Night with Conan O'Brien Fan Purity Test